memories, dreams, reflections

Today it feels like loving, healing energy is being sent my way.  Some moments it's almost overwhelming. I feel my entire body vibrating with energy. Centers are stirred into movement. I have to stop myself, close my eyes, and breathe the energy into my heart, then back out into the universe. I sat with the love for a while and realized that it's not that it's overwhelming or too much...  ... it's simply that I've grown unacustomed to it coming my way. forgetting is such sweet sorrow

I've been hesitating to sink deep into this process of mine, of anonymously posting my process in order to crystalize and own it right now.  and now I'm hesitating again. I'll just publish and come back later perhaps

I recently discovered Spotify. Wow. Where to even start. I am just searching for whatever artist, song, etc. comes to mind. This song popped into my head and - wow, oh my god does it listen different in my 40s than it did in my 20s. This shit seemed romantic! Egads. I can admit now I loved this song. Sick sick sick. Thank you, women in my life, for teaching me such a distorted concept of love and self-worth.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRsSr4Fd_2U Women. Please. Go against the groin. Pick the man who is truly interested in YOU. Go for depth and friendship and companionship. The hottest sex in the world approaches zero in importance as time goes on.  Ok not gonna get started on my feminism rant yet, it's too early in the day, and I am going to move on to different music now.  Besides, I'm working on the novel today. So the blog is just for daily consistency. Onward!

I mentioned Elliot in my blog yesterday, and he showed up on my Facebook page today out of nowhere. Probably because Facebook told him it was my birthday. But still. I half-assed a Tarot reading today. Every card teased me with this conflict, is this a cold read or do the cards say this? Am I just seeing what I want to see? And who am I reading  for right now? And honestly life all around me is fucked up right now. But I can't complain. I shouldn't complain. I have to keep trying to live in this skin again. That's all. 

"All right," said Deep Thought. "The Answer to the Great Question..." "Yes..!" "Of Life, the Universe and Everything..." said Deep Thought. "Yes...!" "Is..." said Deep Thought, and paused. "Yes...!" "Is..." "Yes...!!!...?" "Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.” ―  Douglas Adams,  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy I spent years looking forward to being 42 years old. I find a sadness, a disappointment, a deep melancholy here on my last day of this age. I find myself thinking back to what I was doing ten years ago, back when I was so certainly on my perfect life path . My life had completely transformed in the winter of 2009, during the Flagship Deep Dive course. I was one of the first 300 people to have a physical copy of the Gene Keys book, having preordered it and thereby funded the first printing of Richard Rudd's life's work. I had found My Last

I set up this blog at the start of the most recent Gene Keys Deep Dive, which started in January, then I never posted. It just wasn't the time. Things have been too raw and too personal and no posts seemed safe enough to publish. And so this blog sat, and sat, and sat. And now I find cosmic energies coming together within my personal geometry, propelling me effortlessly toward a cliff into unknown territory. I have known for a while now it was time to start this up, now that I will be hosting a group of friends through their own Deep Dive into the Genius of their Activation Sequence. (don't know what I'm talking about? Go here and poke around:  Gene Keys ) (P.S. Use the link and I get a kickback if you buy something. No pressure.) Of course, since committing to said hosting and determining that I should invent my own process, how like me, also how like me, I found my motors sputtering, uninterested now that I've committed, and providing an opportunity to tran