On my last day as The Answer

"All right," said Deep Thought. "The Answer to the Great Question..."
"Yes..!"
"Of Life, the Universe and Everything..." said Deep Thought.
"Yes...!"
"Is..." said Deep Thought, and paused.
"Yes...!"
"Is..."
"Yes...!!!...?"
"Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

I spent years looking forward to being 42 years old. I find a sadness, a disappointment, a deep melancholy here on my last day of this age. I find myself thinking back to what I was doing ten years ago, back when I was so certainly on my perfect life path. My life had completely transformed in the winter of 2009, during the Flagship Deep Dive course. I was one of the first 300 people to have a physical copy of the Gene Keys book, having preordered it and thereby funded the first printing of Richard Rudd's life's work. I had found My Last Book. I had found My Final Answer. I plunged in and devoted my life to the mysteries.

At this time 10 years ago, on the eve of my 33rd birthday, I had recently returned from a very intense Gene Keys retreat at Mount Madonna Center in Santa Cruz, CA, I was working with the Gene Keys Heartquarters in Santa Cruz on financial projections for the fledgling organization. I was just starting to Host my own group through the Deep Dive into their Prime Gifts, the Sun and Earth activations from Human Design that describe roughly 70% of who we are. I was starting the second dive into the material. I made certain decisions about the course of my life. I felt more Myself than I had for as long as I could remember. I could feel the breath of Freedom behind me, filling my wings, ready to keep me afloat as I plunged off cliff after cliff.

Then the entire Gene Keys organization as it was completely disintegrated and I found myself as usual flipping completely and playing adversary to EVERYONE that I found guilty of any bit of hypocrisy or dishonesty. I was fucking ruthless. Because I had lost my shit. My personal life had disintegrated as the Gene Keys also fell apart behind the curtain.

I made certain decisions. Certain results followed. And here I am 10 years later still in the same house in Montana that I moved to in November of 2010 with nothing. Finances are better. Playing in a different "grown up" league. Buying my dream home I have always wanted. And completely sure that everything that is currently happening is 123% the wrong thing and it will all blow up in the future.

Maybe it's a good thing I won't be 42 anymore. Maybe I'll stop thinking there's actually An Answer "out there" to find. Because there are no fucking answers. There are just decisions, choices, moments in time that sometimes seem insignificant when they are happening but those little things end up turning our lives into things we could never imagine. We get to the future as different people but feeling we are still the same people and look back and go,

what.

the.

fuck.

!!!

???

!?!?!?

I am laughing so fucking hard at my younger self.

You fucking moron. Weakling! Wuss! You make problems out of nothing. You revel in your own misery. You create your own bullshit and then project it onto others so you can't do anything about it. You hide from your power. You chickenshit. You never follow through on anything! What are you afraid of? Not being perfect? Not being The Best? You are already neither of those. There will always be someone better, someone smarter, someone prettier, lord knows just about everyone is more emotionally stable, why not worry about that instead? 

Why why why. Why are we humans so forgetful? All these poor choices, all the stupid shit we do, it most come from something that was once useful to our evolution. I suppose the fact that we are so fucked up is a sign we are indeed evolving. Otherwise, why would it be so hard to just be nice instead of bite someone's head off, or make a snide comment, or whatever we individually do to sabotage our own happiness?

Why is it that the better off we get, the more unhappy we become? The more empty we feel inside? Why aren't we all Living Our Best Life, Right Here Right Now? Why is it so fucking terrifying? Why would I rather just give up and live my life out being that old dog on the porch, sitting on a nail because it's easier than doing something different, something new, something for myself?

The people around me are all causing problems in their own ways. I keep trying to provide, to give opportunities, to move myself out of everyone's way, to make space for them. I can feel the vision I had for them all falling apart as so many do not see the big picture. I intuit everyone's feelings and react accordingly. Constantly responding to their needs. Yes I am good at it. I am also tired of it. They all want to make each other guess, what's going on, why are they upset, what do they want? Just lay it out for me so I know what I need to do to make you happy. Stop making me guess.

If it weren't for the girls I would be 5000 miles away with my toes in the water, butt on the sand. A glass of whiskey and a little flashback to my recent time at the lake will have to suffice. 

Wait, what? Go back farther. Let's forget the 18th birthday, when my boyfriend at the time drove 500 miles to see me only to have me break up with him the day he arrived (sorry, Elliot ;P). Go one year before, to Meatcutters, the weekend-long music festival near Lake Tahoe, Friday night, hanging at Jack and Danelle's camp, some wandering stranger learned it was my birthday, so he handed me a tab of Felix the Cat acid, and my consciousness was altered forever.  I was a newborn puppy. Lying in the back of my friend's truck, staring up through tree branches, I discovered the meaning of life as the sun rose the next morning, then forgot. Life went on. I was never the same again.

I guess this year I toast to all my life's successes. I haven't had a wage slave job since 2007. I built a successful editing business with no degree. I turned a decent business into the most popular spot in town. I have known and loved so many amazing human beings. I have had more freedom in the last decade than most people ever experience in their lives. And I didn't miss my window to have these two delicious little girls who I am so honored to have birthed into this world, and who have become my True Answer to the Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything. They are the twin stars around which I shall revolve for the rest of my days.

8 more hours. or 16 if you go by my birth time. May the hope and dream I feel within manifest and coalesce. May my 50 year old self not regret the choices I make. May I make the right choices instead of the easy choices. Time to dig deep, see what I'm really made of.